I’ve always wanted two children as soon as I had Rory I had wanted another.
I got seriously broody when Rory was six months and my body must have made a sub-conscious decision because the following month I fell pregnant.
The second baby I’d always planned for was happening but, it was happening quicker than I’d planned.
When I found out I was pregnant again, I cried for my first baby. I cried so many times. I felt like I’d let him down, betrayed him in some way.
My first reaction was to go for a walk to clear my head. Plan this out. I bundled Rory up in the pushchair and we went out. I couldn’t even look at his beautiful, clueless face without feeling sick. What had I done?
Ah, mum guilt you cruel mistress.
It wouldn’t be just me and him anymore. His mummy, his whole world, wouldn’t be just HIS mummy anymore. He’s so little. He needs me and I’ve let him down.
People often ask me “are you worried?” and truth be told I’m not.
I’m not worried about having two babies. I’m not worried about how little they’ll both be or how I’ll cope. I’ve no concerns about breastfeeding or labour or the lack of sleep (okay, maybe the lack of sleep a little…)
I am worried about my firstborn. My little boy. The boy that made me “mummy”.
But am I really worried for Rory or am I worried that I’ll miss him?
Is my concern really about him or is it actually about me?
You see, I’ve got a brother. I love my brother, he does nothing but enriches my life for the better.
Rory loves other children. He’s about to have a friend for life. I know deep down that Rory will be fine.
But what about us?
What about the special bond we have? The days where we pass the time just him and me? The times he crawls over and snuggles onto my lap to watch telly.
What will happen to our little bond when I’m not just his anymore?
I know it’s irrational.
Right now, I only really love Rory. I care for my unborn baby obviously but the fierce “mum love” I have is for one person, so I can’t help but feel how I do.
I know that very soon, my heart will double and I will have two beautiful little babies. Two beautiful little souls to love.
I can’t wait for her to arrive because I need that love. I need to shift the feeling in the pit of my stomach to a fullness in my heart, to look at both of them with the crazy pride I feel for Rory.
I need that crazy heart-melting feeling for both of them.
To stop this irrational fear that I’ve let my first baby down. and the guilt that my poor second unborn baby isn’t as welcomed and anticipated as Rory was.
I need to have them both in my arms and to have my beautiful family complete.