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Dear Diary: When you feel like your constantly failing.

July 19, 2016

 
Dear Diary, Today is Friday 15th July (it isn’t but this is the day I wrote the insert!) and I am feeling really shitty. Life at the moment is completely overwhelming. I am one day away from hitting 6 months pregnant, I have 4 months to finish our home renovation before baby Clarke comes along and the house is a complete shit hole. Anyone that has done any form of DIY knows that when you are about  to decorate a room your house turns to complete chaos. However even though you know this, it doesn’t make it any easier. I cleaned the kitchen on Wednesday night and today it’s back to being horrendous, there are dished piled up and the floor needs a wipe and now I have been caught out as my mum popped in to help get us started with decorating the nursery. I feel really embarrassed that she has seen the kitchen in that state, I also feel a huge desire to justify myself “I cleaned it Wednesday I swear! Look in all the other rooms, they are clean-ish” and also you can hardly move across the hallway and landing as its piled high with baby stuff, flat pack boxes for the cot and wardrobe, kids toys where we have cleaned the room out to decorate and it just makes us look shit!
She’ll be back round tomorrow to help us wallpaper and now I have the urge to get home and clean the house top to bottom, when actually all I want to do is sit on the sofa and watch Fargo. I feel so overwhelmed with the huge tasks that are in front of us, and to be honest a little defeated. I know Rich is in the same place.
Being an adult is such hard work, we are trying our best to run homes, whilst working full time, having some form of social life and keep our head above water. I don’t understand how people do it. It feels like a weekly point where we are both like “why is the house so messy?” why are we failing so badly at being put together adults. How do the put together adults do it? Where is the time?! I have never had all of the plates spinning and not one drop, if I have a clean house something else is sacrificed (usually my sanity) – how do we find that balance?
I long for the day when this house is finished and everything has a place and we can have some kind of manageable level of tidiness. I long for being better planned in the evenings, not leaving work at 5, trying to make sure the dogs get a decent walk, putting the hoover round, trying to do some DIY and then shoving some frozen food in my face as there wasn’t time to make a decent dinner.

 

Anyone else have these moments?

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