I’ve recently started posting more about Rorys development on my personal Facebook account and with any updates about Rory and his autism I get a lot of comments like “you’re doing such a great job with him” and “he’s so lucky to have you”
And I want to scream… “No, you don’t understand… I’m an imposter. I’m an awful mother actually.”
You see, I have these big ideals in my head of what I’d actually like to be doing as a mother and I am nowhere near in reach of them.
Whenever I hear “the early years are the most important” or “its the first three years that count” I feel a huge pit in my stomach. I think to myself – well that’s it then, you’ve f*cked that right up.
I feel like when I have “good mum” moments, they’re just a fluke and the ‘real me’ is the “bad mum” moments.
I feel that most of us mothers are secretly afraid we are blowing it. That we’re not capable. That we don’t have what it takes.
So our “bad mom” moments only seem to confirm our suspicions.
When I get these compliments of how I am a “good mum”, all I can think is about what’s in my head. About how I don’t feel patient, how I sometimes feel bored, how I struggle at times, and feel resentment.
They don’t see the conversations I have late at night with Rich saying how much I scared myself by how angry I got that day and that I hate myself for it.
They don’t see the impatient texts I send him when my buttons are being pressed and I am at boiling point.
I am not perfect at parenting, but I do love my kids. Enough to cuddle with them while they smell like pee, and I feel like that’s kind of a lot.
Sometimes I smell their hair and I kiss their cheeks. I laugh at their silly moments and I marvel that I am so blessed. Time stops in moments like that and everything is perfect and worth it.
Other times I am unsure if I will survive the hours of 3:00-8:30 p.m.
As mothers, we are plagued with perfection. But when you really think about it, the fact we so desire to be perfect speaks volumes about our love and enoughness for our children.
The fact that we want to be perfect *for them*, speaks volumes about how much we are a good mum.
When I have my “bad mum” moments, I take stock of the things I don’t like and the things that don’t really align with my values and I try my best to change them. Sometimes that doesn’t always work out, but I try. And if I really thought about it, that alone makes me a good mum.
Nobody has good mom days every day.
Now heres the real tea. The mic drop moment. (And hopefully some advice that I’ll try and listen to myself.)
To be the best role model we can be, imperfection is key. We should be modelling embracing and learning from imperfection instead of the constant need for perfectionism right?
We aren’t expecting perfectionism from our children, we don’t want to plant those seeds. We should be modelling and embracing our flaws and imperfection and showing a gentle, compassionate growth mindset for changes we’d like to make, not berating ourselves for not being there yet.
Now – maybe I’ll try and listen to my own Ted talk!