“I will never leave my baby to cry”, or at least I thought I never would? That was until my happy, content baby who would sit for ten minutes and let me potter about changed.
This week I have no idea what is wrong with my son – we are both getting over an illness, is it that? Is he teething? Is it a leap? Nothing I do is helping him, even when he is fed, changed, warm… nothing I do will settle him.
Monday morning (ironically Blue Monday) I snapped, I couldn’t help him and I needed to sterilise his bloody bottles, I had no choice but to put him down in his bouncer and let him scream. I knew he was okay, I knew he wasn’t going to hurt himself but it was absolute torture. It goes against every parenting instinct I know, it shattered me. Once I was done and I picked up my baby, he was bright red with tears all over his face. It broke my heart.
Parenting is hard and the bad days will screw you. I cannot believe the emotional rollercoaster that motherhood, on one hand its the best thing I have ever done and at the exact same time it’s also the hardest.
Giving up everything you are to become someone’s world is a very high benchmark, and when you feel you are letting down that person it will sucker punch you in the heart.