Mind Over Matter: My Caesarian Section

It’s official. After a rocky few weeks, I’ve been given the green light to try for a vaginal birth after my caesarian.

Its a huge weight lifted off my mind. However, since finding out at my 20-week scan that another caesarian was potentially on the cards, it’s got me questioning what my real reasons are for wanting a vaginal birth? Initially, I put on a brave face. I want a VBAC because it’s a better recovery. I’ll be able to pick up Rory and he will be reasonably unaffected. It’s the safer option. But when it really boils down to it, are they my reasons?

They are good reasons to try for a VBAC and absolutely are part of my decision process. But what it really boils down to is that… I want closure. To stop feeling guilty. I want to stop feeling robbed of a natural birth.

It genuinely pains me to say it, but many times in the last year I’ve had to think before I say “I gave birth”. I’m embarrassed to say that I feel like less of a woman because I didn’t deliver my baby the way that nature wanted. I feel sad that I can’t walk away thanking modern medicine for the safe arrival of my baby because my brain won’t let me.

Why can’t I move forward?

There are so many aspects of guilt attached to my caesarian that I just can’t bury no matter how hard I try. Firstly, I feel guilty that it was potentially my fault. If you didn’t catch my labour and delivery story it’s always been questionable as to whether my epidural caused my c-section. Secondly, I feel guilty that I feel sad about it, that I have let naive people and flippant comments such as “too posh to push” define the way that I feel about myself and the birth of my child.

I don’t know how to stop feeling that way that I do about my caesarian and I feel sad that the only reason I have currently come to terms with it is that I have a chance to try again. I hate that I can’t put my feelings behind me and think with logic. I’ve struggled to process any of it without emotion and I know that’s wrong.

I would love to be able to be grateful for my labour. To of not feared the prospect of having to do it all again. My feelings towards my traumatic birth are no different to someone that suffers from depression. You can’t say to them “cheer up” or “you have a great life, why are you depressed” because our minds don’t work like that. I know I should be grateful that my baby was delivered safely. I know what medical science is a miracle and I do apreciate that. My brain has it’s own mind, its own triggers and its own hormones that process it differently. That attach emotion.

Did you have a traumatic birth? Were you able to move forward from it?

 

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  • This has made me so sad…You should not blame yourself for what happened in your first birth. Ultimately you brought your beautiful little man into the world and it doesn’t matter how you did it in my opinion. You gave birth xxx

  • I had a traumatic birth with my first and felt like a complete failure having a a csection however when I fell pregnant with my second my mind changed and I opted to have planned section as couldn’t bare the stress or risk of a VBAC. I know everyone’s different though. Hope all goes well for you x

  • Rachel Bee

    Oh bless you sweetie. So proud of you for everything you’ve gone through but so sad that you feel this way. No matter what you’re a super hero, and Rory won’t care how you gave birth to him. You’re his favourite person, no matter what xx

  • Emma Lambert

    I can completely understand what you mean here lovely. Whether you decide on a VBAC or opt for an elective section, either way is nor right or wrong and it is completely your decision. I had a very traumatic birth 3 months ago. So the feelings are still very raw, including the guilt etc. Hopefully in time I can accept what happened and move on from it. Although if we ever have another baby (highly doubt it), it will definitely be a c-section for me x

  • Jenna Richards

    It makes me so sad to think that you are still giving yourself a hard time over R’s c-section. You grew a perfect little boy and regardless of how he came into the world you should be proud of yourself.

    Wishing you lots of luck for your VBAC and I hope it gives you closure you need.

    xxx

  • Laura Dove

    Im so sorry that you feel this way about your sections. Regardless of how your labours went, you still gave birth. Please don’t beat yourself up over that. xxx

  • Sophia Ford

    I always correct myself when I say I ‘gave’ birth. I feel like I’m not deserving to say I gave birth, because I didn’t do so naturally. It astounds me the affects c-sections have on our well-being and mental health. I really hope you get the VBAC you are hoping for, but I know if it does end up in a section, you will be OK, I promise xo

  • I am keeping my fingers crossed for a successful VBAC! But you should be proud because you brought your son into the world, happy & healthy 😍

  • Kira

    Oh Hun – huh 🙂 . You gave birth whichever way Rory came out ! Don’t beat yourself up about it xx